Week 7: Being With…the nervous system

In these last 7 weeks we have explored the world of compassion. We began by looking directly at our relationship to compassion; what does it look like, feel like, sound like. We explored our relationship to offering and receiving compassion in addition to where and how resistance to compassion shows up and what it looks and feels like.

Then we made an introduction to the “guide within.” We practiced looking inward and noticing the habit of our conditioning to look outward. We explored the wisdom of experiencing attention as a conduit of love.

Next, we practiced noticing; using our senses to notice what is in our environment. Turning inward to notice how we are being talked at in the head. In bringing attention to what is happening inside our heads we have the opportunity to discern kind versus unkind, supportive versus unsupportive and in that discernment, we learn to ask what or who is doing the noticing. We learn to differentiate compassion from self-hate/ego.

Next, we turned to identifying the voices and to name them something other than “I” or “me.” You cannot access compassion if you are identified with self-hate.

Then we explored the Unconditional and turned our attention to places that give us an experience of the Unconditional (nature, music, color, poetry, someone or something we love, movement, add your own). We practiced engaging in the movement towards the Unconditional as we know that, in the words of Cheri Huber, “the quality of our life is determined by the focus of our attention.”

Last week we practiced with celebrating by bringing attention to what is working, what is so, the wins, especially noticing the small ones and places we don’t get acknowledged. In that practice we got the opportunity to turn to, access and offer support to our human.

All of these skills build on one another and reinforce the entire experience of compassion, of witnessing, of living in Unconditional Love. This week we turn to the practice of being with.

What hasn’t historically been talked about much but will be integrated going forward is an intentional inclusion of the nervous system. I have been diving into polyvagal and the more I work with it the more I love it. While CBAT has always included the body, there hasn’t been a specific focus on including the language of the nervous system. So, this week, we are going to bring all of what we have been practicing with this past week and give special attention to our body’s nervous system. Polyvagal was created by Stephen Porges, PhD. I really enjoy the work of Deb Dana. She is an LCSW who has worked with Dr. Porges for decades and she writes and teaches polyvagal in a very digestible manner. She has a warm, calm, gentle approach and her language fits nicely into compassion-based-awareness-therapy. Instead of recreating an imagery please listen to this wonderful one by Deb Dana, LCSW. Beware, unless you have a paid account, there are unfortunately ads.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTfRnja2Nx8

In this final week let’s practice giving attention to the nervous system. Using the tools from the previous weeks bring attention to noticing the 3 states: ventral, sympathetic and dorsal. In the guided imagery you will also be invited to find your own words for each of these states. We are learning to befriend the nervous system which will allow us to be with our human.

Enjoy practicing being with your human!

Week 6 Focus: Celebrating

One of my clients this week said,

“This week I’ve been given the gift of not feeling bad.”

 We have been working together weekly just shy of 4 years. When we began working together, self-hate drove their daily existence. It showed up in anxiety, depression, body image, disordered eating patterns. Their dominant parts were a “performer” and a small child. They were indecisive about everything, specifically school/career (they were a college student when they began) and relationships, both romantic and familial. They were enmeshed with their family of origin and had symptoms of complex trauma. In that same session they also shared they were doing a “psychological spring cleaning” by bringing the spirit of inquiry to areas of their career, relationship and “do I want to live next to my family.” This is a completely different orientation to living in anxiety and the identification of the “performer.” From compassion and awareness, they are living in the knowing that
— they can’t make a mistake.
— they are adequate to their life.
— others are adequate to their life.
— they are safe and can trust that they are guided by life’s wisdom.

They have explored and processed through very difficult traumatic memories, they learned how to observe and become a compassionate witness, they learned to identify and not own the conditioning, they practiced outside of sessions diligently and they NEVER gave up regardless of how hard the journey. They allowed themselves to be in the presence of unconditional love and compassion in the therapeutic relationship while they learned to access that within themselves.

As we were ending our session after doing a guided imagery with EMDR to reinforce their insights they exclaimed,

“Wow, I’m so excited that there is so much more ego to dissolve.”

In this one session there are so many gems (this is likely true in all sessions). What stands out to me most is that we all want this outcome…freedom, joy, vitality, love. And we can all have it. This is possible for all of us, regardless of our circumstances. It seems to me that it all comes down to showing up, regardless of how we feel and doing the work and trusting that the transformation IS happening even when we don’t see it, even when we don’t feel it, maybe especially when we don’t see and feel it. THIS IS what Love does! Love shows up.

You are all here, in this class showing up. You show up each and every day in your life. Do not forget that! The encouragement this week is to focus attention on celebrating all the ways you are showing up and what is working in your life. Now ego is going to get really loud here and either say that you aren’t or try and get you to focus on all the ways you and or life is wrong; that you or things should have been better or different. Notice that and don’t go along with it. The louder the voice is, the more confirmation that you are doing the exercise well! It gets loud when it feels threatened. It DOES NOT want you to celebrate, to feel good.

Conditioning is working hard to ruin your life.
You must work at least as hard not to let it.
—Cheri Huber—

Assignment:

Every day go about your day and notice all the wins of the day. It doesn’t have to be directly related to you. Here are examples:

• The water turned on.

• You have hot water.

• Your car started.

• You brushed your teeth.

• You showed up for something or someone that was hard.

• You paused rather than said something impulsively.

• You said something impulsively and caught ego trying to beat you up afterwards.

• You noticed the flowers (or clouds, sky, trees, ocean, etc.) on a walk/drive.

• You acknowledged something very difficult for you.

• You enjoyed a meal.

• You noticed your creativity.

• You offered kindness to a stranger or known person.

• You lost your temper in traffic and at some point, noticed then had a chuckle.

• You lost your temper in traffic, didn’t notice until now and can see that you can choose compassion.

• You have a bed to sleep in.

• You have access to fresh and healthy food.

• You followed through with something even when it was hard.

• You are doing this assignment.

Hopefully you get the idea. Now ego would have something to say about every one of these examples. Some, “yeah but…” Practice noticing that and NOT going with it. Notice and put noticing it on your list!

At the end of each day, review the list and practice letting yourself experience the celebrations. Again, ego is going to yammer on and on about this. If that is happening, take that as confirmation that you are doing a great job!

To make this exercise even more powerful, make a recording at the end of the day (in addition to or instead of writing it down) and listen back. Allow yourself to notice all the places where this is hard…you are getting to SEE how resistance shows up so you can learn how it controls you. Your commitment to the exercise, to practicing ARE acts of love. Over time, these acts build on one another and breakthroughs occur. At some point in our practice, we will notice that we live more in the experience of Love than self-hate. It is not a matter of if this shift will happen, only when. So, we don’t give up.

If we look at life as an opportunity to end our suffering, as an opportunity toembrace and heal all that has happened to us, our attention moves away from trying to fix ourselves and figure everything out and toward being with ourselves in kindness as we live our daily lives.
—Cheri Huber—

Week 5: The Unconditional

If we are not turning to the voices in the head, what can we turn to instead? I suspect that every one of us would enthusiastically nod to the proposition that a person’s true nature is inherent goodness. This is so easy to see with others. And maybe for some of us we can even get there intellectually with ourselves. To truly live from a deep knowing that who we are is goodness, no matter what…well that is hard to swallow for most. It is my projection that this is what calls people to this field, the desire to be in the presence of that love. Since folks don’t know how to do it for themselves, they do if for others; they are the mirror of inherent goodness, hour after hour for others who are struggling, how powerful is that! But because it isn’t love for oneself, it won’t end one’s own suffering.

From Cheri Huber’s book, Trying to Be Human

If you are ever going to be free, you must be willing to prove to yourself that your true nature is inherent goodness—that when you stop doing everything else, goodness is what is there. You will never prove it to yourself as long as you believe the egocentric conditioning that says the only thing making you a good person is your inner judging and punishing and beating yourself, in all the ways we do that.

You must find the courage
to stop judging and punishing yourself
long enough to find out
that who you are is goodness.

Often we struggle with seeing or knowing that Unconditional Love in any given moment. Because we are identified with a self-hating belief, or we are activated, or in a trauma response, maybe we are in the grips of strong emotion, having a panic attack, in a cycle of depression, engaging in unskillful behavioral patterns, or …. add in anything I’ve missed. In these times, turning to that knowing is pretty impossible. In the beginning. We need beginner’s steps. So, what can we do instead?

Not that you are clued into what it looks and sounds like and you know how to notice it, you can now practice turning attention away from the self-hating system that is invoking all the subsystems of emotions, thoughts, sensations, behaviors) and redirect your attention to something that takes you to a place of compassion (support, laughter, kindness, love…or at bare minimum, neutrality).

Here are some examples:
— Go outside and find a comfortable place to lie back and look at the sky. Bring attention to the breath, taking in full, conscious breaths and allow your body to settle into whatever you are lying on. As you look at the sky, see the color of the sky, any clouds that are present, any birds flying about. Take in the sounds. Feel the air. Allow yourself to notice the temperature. Notice any aromas. And stay with your senses as you allow yourself to give all your attention to the sky.
— Turn to something you love, your pet, your favorite cup, a place in nature, your favorite pillow, or any other object that you can tap into the unconditional love or appreciation that you feel for this object or pet. *A person is sometimes tricky to pick, but feel free to practice this with a person if that feels supportive. Name all the traits, qualities that you love and appreciate about them. Really see those qualities. Notice what it is like in your body as all your attention is focused on these qualities and traits that you love and appreciate.
—Turn on your favorite music that is upbeat and supportive. Listen on repeat and get up and allow your body to move to the music.
—Search for your favorite quotes and write out a handful of them. Record them and listen to them. And read them.
—Write a love letter to your pet (if you are not a pet person, pick your favorite place in nature…the ocean, forest, mountain, flower, etc). Give as much detail as you can. Now record that and allow yourself to listen to what you love.
— Skip around the block. I know this sounds silly but try it. See if you can’t NOT smile and giggle while doing this.
—Add your own.

Each day practice one of the above and pay attention to what it is like to turn your attention away from the self-hating system to something loving, kind, supportive, inspirational. Remember, that this can be used as needed, many times a day.

For extra credit. Write a love letter to yourself. Write the love letter you have ALWAYS wanted to receive. Practice seeing your human through the eyes of Unconditional Love where even those traits that you struggle with can be wrapped in love.

For example, I tend to lose things…A LOT! So, I can write about that and acknowledge
it with love. “Oh sweetie, I
love how you get so excited
that you forget where you
put things. (I’m smiling and seeing how you misplace
glasses and keys, mugs and earrings.) It’s okay…75% of
the time the show up again.
I love how you get creative
and buy a dozen cheap sunglasses. You are super creative.”

After writing the love letter, record the love letter. Pay attention to how you record it. Allow yourself to practice and read the letter with love and a slow pace. Then listen back. And listen often. Allow yourself to practice with receiving the love. Notice and resistance in all its forms and remember you are training yourself to live in compassion. It is a practice that takes commitment, patience and not giving up.

Let’s end with another inspirational quote:

We’d all like to have
someone who thinks we’re wonderful, encourages us,
and loves us unconditionally.
We can be with that person all the time because we have that person inside us.
—Cheri Huber—

Enjoy finding that person as you turn towards the Unconditional!
Gasshō

Week 4: The Voices

Spiritual Practice does not begin until the beatings stop.
~ Cheri Huber ~

Humans are wired for connection. We all desire love. We want to feel known, seen, heard, reassured. Little ones (easiest to see with children under the age of 4) are vivacious, precious and full of a life force most adults wish they could bottle up for themselves. These beings exhibit love easily (unless there is some very young trauma) because they are love. They don’t know it in an intellectual way, they just are. If you have ever looked into a small child’s eyes, you can sense the truth of this immediately. Like standing in front of a majestic Sequoia tree, a delicate flower blossom, or the powerful ocean waves; they aren’t trying to be anything other than what they are, and they do it magnificently without having any “doing” involved.

We yearn for the Unconditional, to feel unconditionally loved and accepted. When we experience that feeling of connectedness, there is a flowing of energy, of life force. Yet, our relationship to love becomes complicated because at some point in the process of socialization we come to believe that we are separate from that love, that life force. In order to survive our childhoods, we must abandon ourselves to accommodate our environment and caretakers. We learn to leave our own experience and look outward for reassurance and validation. And we learn the language of socialization: “good/bad,” “right/wrong” and these categories are defined for each of us. This becomes the language inside our heads that most people call “I/me.” The “self-talk” that the world speaks of is that voice of socialization (ego/self-hate/conditioning) beating you up.

At CFMR you were introduced to the principle that the voice inside your head is not you and you were encouraged (strongly) to not own or identify with that voice. This disidentification creates a pathway back to yourself; back to that life force that animated you as a wee child, that animates you now. When our primary focus is on that voice, it blocks the connect to love to that life force; the love is not gone, it is just difficult to near impossible to access.

To know what you are, you
must first investigate and
know what you are not.
Discover all that you are not -- body, feelings thoughts, time, space, this or that -- nothing, concrete or abstract, which
you perceive can be you.
The very act of perceiving
shows that you are not what
you perceive.
~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj ~

This week, practice noticing the beatings.
What you need: Piece of paper (or a notebook) and pen – at the the top of the page add the title - ego voice (or critic/conditioning/self-hate/socialization). As you go about your life this week, jot down any critical or judgmental messages as you hear them. Any messages that have any of the following qualities: harsh, critical, mean, undermining, doubting, cruel, discouraging, negative, dismissive, shaming, comparing, judging, critiquing, mocking. Anything that you wouldn’t say to a 5-year-old, write it down. *You can make a check mark for any messages that are repeated.

As always, when you hear these messages, see if you can practice calling it out as, “ego, the voices, conditioning, socialization.” And continue noticing what arises as you practice with this exercise.
Gasshō

Try this out and take one sentence at a time.
- Look around the room and notice what is in the room. Take your time.
- Now notice the colors in the room.
- Now notice the sounds you hear right now.
- Now touch something and notice how it feels, the textures.
- Now, notice what is happening in your body right now?
- Now, notice, what is noticing? Notice that the mind is going to try and take you to thinking, to making connections, to figuring it out. Notice that.
You are what is noticing. You are not the voice. You are not the thoughts. You are not the sensations. You are not the body. You are not the emotions.
Enjoy practicing with noticing and may you draw inspiration from the excerpt below.

Reclaiming
”just being”
involves learning
a practice
we call
“Just Noticing…”

 The art of
“Just Noticing”
transforms
a doer
into
a seer,

a seer
that perceives
discreetly, deeply, entirely,
each instant
of eternity.

Seeing this way
shatters the illusion
of monotony,
restoring
Freshness, Flavor, Fun,
the vitality of
Reality.

Seeing this way
reveals
a radical possibility
that we already
KNOW
the only lesson
there is
to learn! 

That in essence
we are
pure awareness
W i t n e s s i n g
in relaxed enjoyment
Life expressing.
— from Learning to Love Learning

Access this and more on the Alumni Group website here.

Week 2 Focus

What is crucial is the steadiness and depth of your devotion to the task. Life itself is the Supreme Teacher; be attentive to its lessons and obedient to its commands. When you personalize their source, you have an outer Guide; when you take them from Life directly, the Guide is within. Remember, wonder, ponder, live with it, love it, grow into it, grow with it, make it your own -- the word of your Guide, outer or inner. Put in all and you will get all. 
— Nisargadatta Maharaj 

What if all of Life is available to teach us what we most need to learn? This is what Maharaj is speaking to. Looking to Life directs us inward; otherwise, we are operating from socialization and survival and looking outward. And, if we are paying attention to ALL of it then even when we are looking outward and operating from the socialized survival system (ego/self-hate) we can learn.

We are socialized to look outward. If we are lucky, our circumstances wake us up to the realization that this is not the way. It is the path of the courageous to face what initially feels incredibly uncomfortable (add in your own adjectives) and learn instead how to look inward and discover the guide within, the innate wisdom, the “intelligence that animates all.” (Cheri Huber)

Since there are no mistakes and it all here for us to learn, we can learn to relax into this knowing. There is only this moment and with compassionate awareness, we can experience the love we seek. Here are two quotes to support us in this practice.

The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.
— Henry Miller 

There is nothing more important that compassion.
— Cheri Huber 

Encouragement:
Each day, notice something that you are told is a “mistake” or an experience when you hear the voices nagging at or criticizing you. Practice accessing the “guide within”, aka Unconditional Love and ask yourself, “what would love say to me?” And allow yourself to receive that wisdom.
If no words come you can practice with, “I choose Unconditional Love” and repeat over and over.
To amplify this experience, make a recording of the words of wisdom from the ‘guide within’, adding in “I choose Unconditional Love.” Listen as often as possible.

Welcome and Week 1 Focus

The focus of this 8-week group is Compassion: a path to knowing the Unconditional. To become a therapist, we all had to complete graduate level coursework which focuses on book learning. You were required to study. But studying does not give us direct experience, it feeds head knowledge and keeps us from direct experiencing.

“As Lao-tzu might say, ‘Studying a thing is not experiencing a thing.’ You hold in your hands words that represent a living practice. Don’t study it. Explore it! Walk it! Practice it!”
~ From the book, A Path and a Practice by William Martin

At one time or another you have all been exposed to Compassion Based Awareness Therapy as a therapeutic lens during your time with CFMR. We named this orientation in 2012 and in my own journey I have discovered that there is no other way I want to live. Informally, I’m dropping the “T” of CBAT as it isn’t a “theory” or a “therapy,” it is a way to show up for ourselves in our lives and it becomes a practice. The powerful combination of awareness and compassion can be our guideposts on the path to end suffering and living in the kindness our hearts crave.

“When life is hardest, compassion is most needed.”
~ From What Universe Are You Creating

It is easier to access compassion when things are going the way we want them to go. Each of us have circumstances, things and people in our life where the move to compassion comes naturally. Lightness, laughter, generosity, patience and other qualities of compassion are offered with ease. This is good news because we know it is possible.

Bringing attention to practicing compassion when life feels hard and is hard IS compassion in action. Compassion includes all, which means, it must include YOU to be compassion. If compassion is lacking with oneself, it will be difficult to impossible for compassion to be consistently available with and for others. As the Buddha has offered, “if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

During this 8-week series we will allow compassion to be our guide. Bring whatever content you want to the calls to get support; there is no topic off limit. We all know the power of group; whether you are actually processing or listening, group allows us to have the experience of knowing we are not alone, and it is this experience that offers compassionate connection.

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far go together.”
~ African Proverb

Before our first group please listen to this guided imagery for an exploration of compassion. Click here

See you on the 27th.