The Practice of Beginning
I love sharing what I have learned and what I am still learning.
And, one of the biggest challenges for me is following through with writing. Ask me to talk about anything related to mental health or awareness I can do that all day long. Ask me to write about something and, I hit so many walls. Why? Conditioning gets in there so quickly. There are so many ways to talk about things and when I start writing, all those connections get loud and want to be included and ego has a field day with this. Ego takes enthusiasm and creates confusion, doubt and eventually frustration and overwhelm.
Writing does not come easily to me because ego makes it hard and shuts down learning altogether. I tend to be loquacious, animated and get excited about all things related to Awareness Practice and how it can assist us in this life, especially in the areas where suffering lives. I want to scream it to the masses, to all who will listen. I want to share for those who feel alone and stuck. I want people to know that there is a way toward compassion for oneself. That truly lights me up, passing on what I’ve directly benefitted from. And, sharing through the written word, does not come easily.
Earlier in my life I remember a dark moment when I heard myself say, “This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.” As I heard those words I realized I had said that before, many times before. And became a mini awakening moment. This was the current hard thing, but every hard thing I had ever faced was the hardest thing at that time because it was what was happening in that moment. Does that track?
“What we see depends on how we’re looking.
We can be looking, and it’s samsara.
We can be looking, and it’s nirvana.
It doesn’t change. How we see changes.”
I don’t know if writing will ever become easier. The outcome is not where I want my attention. I want my attention on the now. Practicing with what is here, right now. In the spirit of noticing I saw that I was in a conversation with ego about not writing, so I started writing. This type of noticing is central to Compassionate Witnessing. Read more about it here.
I’ve been experimenting with AI and I’m learning a lot and having fun with it. I know everyone has opinions about this. It’s the devil, it’s wonderful, you should use it, you shouldn’t use it. I have used it to help me with my writing for two blogs. I enjoyed what I was learning through the process and I also had some serious questions about the integrity of using it for my writing. It felt a bit off.
I’ve been sitting with those experiences, noticing and watching. Watching the ego noise of justification, defensiveness, insecurity, doubt. Then a couple of weeks ago I was reading posts on social media from people I follow and respect and I recognized AI in their writing. It hit me and I felt deep disappointment. I want to hear their voice, not AI’s. What I read was technically good, but I quickly became disinterested. What I realized was that the magic, the reason I’m interested in reading their words is not scripted algorithms, but the voice of the writer. Question answered!
With that realization came an “aha” and a deep exhalation. Clarity. I needed to experiment with AI and my writing to arrive at that clarity. I’m still using AI for recipes, research and similar tasks. But I’ve decided that at this stage it cannot assist me in breaking through the resistance that arises with writing. Not now. Who knows about the future. Now, I want to be present and share authentically in own my voice. If that resonates for folks, great. If it doesn’t, that is actually great too. I’ll end with this quote I read today as it fits perfectly.
Much of this work unfolds in therapy, where noticing is modeled, understanding grows, and connection becomes part of the healing process, especially in trauma work. From this experience, practice begins to extend beyond the therapy room and into daily life.
Blessings,
Laura
