Longing for Something Real: Dating in a Seemingly Superficial World

A Love Letter to Women in Their 20s and Beyond

Dating in today’s world can feel like walking through a crowded room where everyone’s talking, but no one’s really listening. If you're a woman in your 20s (or beyond) who’s longing for something real—deep, mutual, lasting connection—it’s easy to feel like you’re asking for too much in a world that often offers too little.

The endless swiping. The ghosting. The mixed signals. The emotional unavailability.

It’s enough to make even the most confident woman feel exhausted and start to question herself.

Is it me?

We don’t talk about it enough, but behind the “just go with the flow” dating culture, so many women are quietly carrying the weight of feeling not enough.

Not pretty enough.

Not light-hearted enough.

Not wanted enough to be chosen—fully, clearly, without hesitation.

Or they feel they are too much.

Too emotional.

Too uptight.

Too “messed up”, whether that be from childhood trauma or previous destructive relationships.

If that resonates with you, know this:

You’re not broken. And you’re definitely not alone.

If You’re Longing for Something Deeper, Maybe You...

• Keep repeating the same dating patterns with different people.
• Struggle with over-giving, people-pleasing, or fearing rejection.
• Attract emotionally unavailable partners or settle for crumbs.
• Feel torn between craving love and not wanting to lose yourself in it.
• Are yearning for a reset—to date from a place of wholeness, not scarcity.

That’s not a sign of failure. That’s a sign you’re waking up. Waking up to the truth that love doesn’t have to look like chasing. That connection can feel safe—not like a performance. That you want something real. Not just to be chosen—but to be cherished. So how do you shift—without hardening your heart?

1. You’re Not Too Much—Stop Shrinking to Fit

There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with the way you love. We’ve been told—directly and indirectly—to be smaller. To be “easier to love.” To not need too much. To be agreeable. Flexible. Low-maintenance.

So if you've dimmed parts of yourself just to keep someone around, it makes sense. But here’s the truth:

The right person won’t be confused by your heart—they’ll be grateful for it.

They won’t ask you to be less, quieter, easier to manage. They’ll meet you with presence, not

pressure. Stop squeezing yourself into spaces that were never designed to hold you.

Take up space.

Be soft and strong.

Let the fullness of who you are lead.

That’s not “too much.” That’s the beginning of real, reciprocal love.

2. Your Patterns Aren’t Flaws—They Have Roots

Awareness is your power.

Noticing where you people-please, overextend, or ignore red flags is key. You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. More importantly: a lot of these patterns? They didn’t start with you. Many women are conditioned—since childhood—to prioritize others’ needs, to be "nice," to equate love with self-sacrifice.

We’re taught:
• Be nice, not needy.
• Don’t ask for too much.
• Be chosen—don’t choose.
• If it didn’t work out, try harder.

Then we’re blamed for burning out or attracting the wrong partners—when we were taught to ignore our own needs and mistake self-abandonment for love.

Unlearning this isn’t failure. It’s freedom.

It’s the moment you stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, and start asking, “What do I need to unlearn?”

3. Come Home to Yourself First

You don’t need someone else to make you whole. That’s not a feel-good quote. It’s a radical shift. When you’ve spent years proving, pleasing, or performing for love, it’s easy to forget:

You are your own home base, your own safe place.

Reclaiming your center means:
• Coming back to your needs and inner voice.
• Honoring your truth even when past conditioning tempts you to abandon it.
• Trusting that alignment matters more than attention.

Dating from a place of wholeness doesn’t mean you’re never afraid. It means you don’t let fear make your choices. You are already enough—today, as you are. Choose from self-worth, not scarcity.

4. Love Doesn’t Require Performance—Only Presence

You don’t have to perform to be loved. When you root yourself in mindfulness and self-connection, dating stops feeling like a stage.

You start to ask:
• What’s true for me in this moment?
• Am I acting from fear or alignment?
• Can I stay connected to myself—even if this doesn’t go the way I hoped?

And when old patterns show up? Practice compassion. Real healing isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence. It’s the courageous act of being with yourself, offering compassion especially in the moments it feels hardest to do so. The more you stay grounded, the more dating becomes about discernment—not desperation. You stop earning love—and start receiving it.

5. Being Chosen Isn’t the Goal—Choosing You Is

Success in dating has long been measured by external milestones:
• Getting picked
• Being wanted
• Becoming someone’s girlfriend, partner, wife

But what if success looked like this instead?
• Honoring your boundaries—even when it’s scary.
• Asking hard questions—even if you fear the answers.
• Walking away from “almost”—because you know it’s not enough.

Sometimes success is having the courage to say:

“This isn’t working for me.”

“I need more.”

“I choose myself.”

That’s not failure. That’s growth.

6. Choosing You Isn’t Selfish—It’s Sacred

To the woman who feels like she’s too much and not enough at the same time—this is for you.

You don’t have to earn love with over-giving.

You don’t have to twist yourself to be seen.

You are not too complicated to love.

You are not too emotional.

You are not too late.

You are learning to love better, to choose wiser, and most of all, to stop settling for less than what meets you with truth, care, and presence. And the more you come home to yourself, the more dating becomes a reflection of the love you’ve built within. Because when you know your worth, you don’t chase love.

You choose it.

Final Words

Real love isn’t about being picked. It’s about picking yourself, again and again, until the love you invite in meets you at your level. You’re not asking for too much. You’re remembering what you deserve. And that is the most beautiful beginning of all.